Written by Dr. Henry Cloud

Question: Recently, a good friend of mine spilled her guts about how lonely and depressed she has been feeling. She is still single at 33 and never thought she would be at her age. She also wants children and is afraid that these two desires are never going to be met. I am usually able to be there for a friend, but for some reason, I’m having a hard time. I’m in the same boat she is (at 32), but I don’t get upset about the situation like she does. How can I approach my friend and talk to her in a caring manner without just saying, “Get over it”?

Answer: I am so glad you asked this question because you point out such an important fact: Being single and without children should not be a reason for depression. How you deal with singleness illustrates that it’s not being single that is depressing, so her feelings more than likely stem from something else.

When people think that marriage is the key to happiness, they are clearly not ready for it. They are depending on a fantasy to be the key to fulfillment and happiness; but it is happy, fulfilled people who are able to make healthy marital relationships work. If you go into marriage depressed, then there is some sort of unresolved dependency at work, and the “idol” of your union is not going to alleviate that. Only spiritual and emotional growth are going to do that for someone.

But don’t just tell your friend to “get over it.” Do more than that. Tell her you’re concerned that something else may be going on other than her single status. Ask her if she wants a husband and kids to do something that they will not be able to do. If she’s discontent as a single, chances are she’ll be discontent in marriage as well.

Talk to your friend about what parts of her life are not working and what else could be causing her constant dissatisfaction. In my experience, if singleness is that much of an issue to someone, then he or she may need to talk to a qualified counselor because it means other issues are at work. 

Help your friend figure out what those issues are, or help her find a path to fulfillment before some unlucky guy comes along who thinks he is going to be able to solve her problems and give her the life she thinks she needs.

(Note to readers who want to get married: Don’t get offended. I’m not suggesting a desire to marry is wrong or abnormal. But there is a problem for those who are seriously depressed about not being married. So save your letters. I am not talking about you.)

God and a full life of community, service, and other interests and passions should be filling her life so much that it is going to take a real prince to get her attention. And she needs to realize that.

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California.