Written by Kami Rice

Twelve years ago when Kim Bindell found herself in the midst of a painful divorce, one of the first things she did was talk to a friend who grew up with divorced parents. Bindell was afraid of how her divorce would affect her two young daughters, and she wanted advice.

Since few resources for divorced parents were available, Bindell asked her friend how she could protect her daughters. The friend’s response was simple: “Don’t ever talk badly about their dad. Allow them to talk well of him.” So, as hard as it was, Bindell set out to let her daughters love their father.

Over the years other helpful advice has emerged through resources like the organization Christian CoParenting, which was founded by Tammy Bennett, a child of divorced parents and mother of 7-year-old Angelia. When Bennett and then-husband John divorced soon after Angelia was born, Bennett made intentional decisions about working with John to create the best life possible for their daughter. This experience turned into a passion for giving hope and vision to other divorced parents.

Define Your Purpose
Bennett defines Christian co-parenting as an uncompromising commitment by two Christian parents to be Christlike, nurturing, and intentional in every detail of their child’s life, especially after a divorce. Co-parenting, she says, is “how the biological mom and dad navigate life for the entire future of their child’s life.”

The way these parents overlap, Bennett explains, “is the most critical part of the child having an opportunity to thrive versus just surviving or continuing in the brokenness and woundedness resulting from their parents’ divorce.”

Martha Austin-White, a stepfamily expert in Christian counseling based in Middle Tennessee, lists these as pillars of co-parenting: direct communication about such things as children’s needs, medical conditions, school performances, parent-teacher conferences, and extracurricular events; being on the same page as much as possible regarding values, morals, and behavior expectations; supporting the other parent’s place in the child’s life; and not putting children in the middle.

Watch What You Say
Co-parenting starts where Bindell began – refusing to speak badly of your child’s other parent. This can be immensely challenging, particularly in the early days of divorce.

“Most children of divorce do struggle with loving mom and loving dad and being able to express that in their everyday life,” Bennett says. Children who feel that they can never say anything good about one parent to the other tend to walk around on eggshells.

Bryan McKnight, a marketing consultant for a Christian radio station, was a single dad for two years following his divorce before he remarried. He says that in addition to choosing not to badmouth the other parent to your children, it’s also important to watch what you say to people when the kids are within earshot.

“A lot of times kids act like they’re not listening, but they’re hearing everything you say,” he notes.

Bennett also suggests going beyond avoiding negative words to actually acknowledging the good characteristics of your child’s other parent. “Intentionally find things in the other parent that you can say are positive. Point them out to the child. Give the child permission to love the other parent,” she explains.

Learn to Forgive
Forgiving both yourself and your former spouse is essential to making decisions together so that your children grow up as healthy as possible. “Forgiveness gives [parents] the ability to co-parent without all the emotional drama, without rehashing the past, without hatred,” Bennett says.

“I didn’t want to spend the next 20 years of my life looking back, pointing blame, asking unanswerable questions,” she explains of her own divorce. “Forgiveness becomes a gift to the parent, to their children, and to every other relationship in their life.”

Bindell reached a turning point three years after her marriage ended. During a Bible study she was confronted by her lack of forgiveness for herself and for her ex-husband. As she began processing this with God, she received a phone call from her ex-husband. He was actually calling to ask her to forgive him.

“It takes so much energy to really hate someone,” she says. “Why take so much energy grocery-listing what he did wrong?” Though things weren’t perfect from that point and forgiveness had to be revisited a few years later, the initial step was important.

Stay Focused
In order to circumvent the emotions that surface when you contact your former spouse, Austin-White suggests approaching co-parenting interactions as if they are business transactions. “This means emotions are not brought to the table,” she explains. “Just transact the business, which is the business of supporting a child.” Don’t allow yourself “to get sidelined into personal or marital issues, and keep the conversation always and only on the children.”

“Remember that just because someone was not a very good spouse, a child still deserves to get to love their parent,” Austin-White explains, “and this not-so-great spouse is a much-loved parent.”

If your ex-spouse has no desire to co-parent, still avoid putting down that parent. Bennett notes that even one parent making healthy choices for a child throughout a lifetime can make a significant difference in the health and stability of that child.

“There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to every complication in co-parenting,” Bennett says, “but there are some foundational truths for communicating between parents and the lifelong effects.”
 
Kami Rice lives in Nashville, Tenn., where she loves investing in people, whether in person or through writing.